to youÂ
hey, i thought of writing to you today but my thinking led me to remember that you were cruel to me in the end and that your apologies never had legs, and that actually I decided to never let you back in again. and so even though my heart felt white and peaceful and warm towards you as I read the end of Stephanie Foo's What My Bones Know, I simply thought of you and sent/shared that warmth to you in my mind. you are beautiful, I want to tell you. one of my nephews' faces reminds me of yours. both of you have soft light brown edges to your faces. maybe like halos. like auras. his hair is still soft, hasn't been cut. it adds to the furry of the halo/aura. he is quiet and observant. his eyes on me remind me of yours on me. and when he reaches for my face, i wonder, imagine that in another world, we would have met in person and you would have reached for my face in a similar way. i wish you all the best. in the end, that's all i have. good wishes for you. bad memories of you. a bad impression of you. and very warm wishes for you. not in betrayal of myself. simply because you came in, simple because you managed to slip into my heart and i let you in. i looked at you and smelled you as much as i could through our screens, and i said okay, i'll try. and loving you turned me inside out. it was true what i said that all my life led me, prepared me to love you. i resented, i mean, deeply resented meeting and loving you, for many months. i hated the bitterness of the pain left in your wake. the gash to my ability to trust another human being, to even trust my own judgement, it throbbed and leaked for many days. the pain was so unbearable, i couldn't see past it for months. i remember a woman who was consoling me after we had talked about the one year anniversary of many family deaths she experienced at once, and i was crying and heaving and said, "this heartbreak is the worst thing that could ever happen to me." a year later, with distance, i regretted my lack of sensitivity. and it was also true. and in true fashion, the worst thing was also the best thing. i'm happy you came and i'm happy you left. take care of yourself and may your days be full of love. that, you very certainly deserve.